Horror d’oeuvres

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen

Can I tempt you to whet your appetite with a little something from the Horror d’oeuvres platter?  Sweet and sticky perhaps, or would you prefer something raw and wriggling to tickle the taste buds as it slips across the lips. What ever your preference feel free to dip into our distasteful little mouthfuls. Nothing you fancy at the moment?  No worries, the selection platter is updated every week so be sure to call back and check out our  newest additions.


Many men had wandered through her life but eventually they’d all wandered away. But this one, he was staying, she’d broken both his legs so he wouldn’t be wandering away.

I have to be in the mood for doing wrong. Some days I just don’t feel the urge. Course, doing wrong days do come around, because deep down I’m just a plain old do wrong moody so and so.

My mum gave me an eyeball on a stick. I loved that shiny eyeball and I licked it all day long. I didn’t know my mum was crazy with an appetite for flesh. I just licked that shiny eyeball cause mum said their the best.

Give me a knife in the dark of the night, and I’ll give you a blood curdling scream.

A Gentleman should always dress for dinner. I find it adds a sense of decorum to the proceedings when my wife and I eat our latest victim.

Surprisingly difficult to dispose of a body these days. Different recycling bins on different days. Bloody headache not mixing a bit of torso up with the plastics and paper.

I do love these autumn mornings when it’s foggy cold and damp. Everyone wrapped up, hoods up, ear- phones in, trudging off to work. No one hears a scream in the fog

Man with sharp knife and shovel wishes to meet helpless female for romantic walk along a moonlit path in the forest. Non-smoker preferred.

Why did I do it? Simple really. I do like a good funeral.

I set fire to my neighbour because I’d had enough of his whining and complaining, seemed like a good idea to throw my wife on the fire as well because I’d had enough of her an all.

Its Christmas Time so dip into our selection of seasonal goodies. Spiteful little mouthfuls to whet your appetite for the full horror of preparing Christmas lunch for the mean spirited never pleased in-laws.

An American friend of mine bought his wife and teenage daughter hand-guns and ammunition for Christmas. In the sure and certain hope that they would shoot and kill each other when they argued, as teenage daughters and mothers do. A joint funeral being cheaper and more convenient than a messy divorce and ruinous college fee’s.

Unseasonably warm this winter. Loads of people out and about. They probably prefer Christmas shopping and visiting friends than being indoors with family they detest.

Must be a strange thing, wrapping presents for a wife you no longer love or a husband who you suspect has been unfaithful.

I like to entertain at Christmas time. Friends round for drinks and Christmas lunch. Fills the house with laughter and festive good cheer. Of course, it’s always quite when they’ve gone home. Apart from the one drugged and tied up in the cupboard under the stairs that is. Let’s just call him a little present to myself to enjoy later.

My neighbour  covered his house in a fantastic display of Christmas lights and lit up the heavens for miles around. Great idea, keeps people’s attention away from my house where I don’t want them paying attention to what’s going on.

And now Ladies and Gentlemen a carol sung to the tune of the nursery rhyme. Four and twenty Blackbirds baked in a pie. To round off our Christmas Horror D’oeuvres. All together now!!!!!

Sing a song of Christmas there’s presents I must buy.

 Sing a song of Christmas someone has to die.

I need lots of money, and I don’t have a job.

 So I found a rich old man, someone I can rob.

  Sing a song of Christmas a sharp knife at his throat.

 Sing a song of Christmas on his own blood he will choke.

I’ll have lots of money, oh how my kids will sing.

We all love you mummy for buying us nice things.

Sing a song of Christmas the old man’s long since dead.

 Sing a song of Christmas the police know what I did.

 There’s no use me pretending, they’ve got me bang to rights.

 Now my necks for hanging and my kids won’t have a mum.

Sing a song of Christmas, good cheer to one and all.

 Sing a song of Christmas when your backs against the wall.

 You’ll all wish for money, and presents under the tree.

But swinging from the gallows, is all that’s left of me.

Merry Christmas everyone. Unless you have something unpleasant in mind.


Well that’s 2015 nearly over. Another year closer the grave for all of us has slipped away. Just the new years party’s and celebrations to enjoy after the rigours of Christmas and the enforced enjoyment of your nearest and possibly not your dearest.  Well lets tempt the palate for the new year with this final 2015 update to the Horror D’oeuvres platter. Enjoy everyone. .

A couple of drinks, bit of smooth chat and off we go to my place. Except we don’t go to my place. Much easier to throw you in the river once I’ve cut you if we park down by the old power station.

God loves a tryer, that’s what my mother said. Well god should be head over heels with me. I’ve been trying to do away with the wife for years.

Terrified, vibrating like a tuning fork, ears throbbing, blood pressure shooting skywards. The masked figure looming over me, stainless steel glinting, vinyl smells, bowels bubbling like lava. God I hate the bloody dentist.

New year, new me. I think not. Why would I want to disown the work of a lifetime when I am so close to getting my hundred up on the scoreboard. Of course I can’t throw a party to celebrate, but believe me. I will be raising my knife in salute to an imaginary cheering crowd  when my hundredth victim dies.

Been twelve years now since I drowned my wife beating son in law and sank his corpse in the lake. Does my daughter miss him? I doubt that. She helped me row the boat out to the deepest part and heave him over the side.

What with all this heavy rain, and now flooding in the area. Its made burying bodies impossible. Don’t want any incriminating evidence floating up the high street.

My neighbour got drunk and set himself on fire. Hell of a smell I can tell you. I’ve never fancied roast pork since. Put me right off.

Fat Charlie ate who ever was put in front of him. How very convenient.

I always carry a Swiss army knife in my pocket. You never know when all those tools might come in handy. Same as I carry  parcel tape, nylon rope, surgical gloves and a hammer in my back pack.

I was a bit put out when a friend of my teenage daughter began self harming. Silly girl. I would gladly have cut her up if she’d asked.

I love a mixed grill for dinner. Especially when you chose who your eating.

I don’t like to eat fish, I know who they’ve been feeding on.

I buried eleven cheating husbands last year. With the word of mouth recommendations from their revengeful wives. I hope to bury many more this year.

Your right, I don’t have to do this. I could let you go and walk away. Trouble is seeing you tied up and helpless is really floating my boat big time. So I don’t think I will be letting you go and walking away.

Inadvertently slicing of the tip of my thumb off while I was preparing canapé’s for a wedding was bad enough. Not being able to find the end of my thumb was worse. Oh well. All goes down the same way I suppose.

Doesn’t matter who you are or how organised you are. When you die there’s always a box of unloved odds and ends some one has to dispose of. Unwanted ambition’s, dream’s, desires  and secret’s. Chucked into the recycling bin of life.

One mans pain is another man’s pleasure. Take them almost over the edge then bring them back again. The more their pain, the greater my pleasure.

Think you know what hell is ? Ask an overweight teenage girl wearing braces on her teeth and acne on her face. She goes there five days a week. Its called hell in the bible. She just calls it school.

Pink to make the boys wink is the colour of my lips. Just a little temptation to make them think what if. Pink upon my fingers, pink upon my toes. Where I’ll hide his body, nobody knows.

Sex isn’t all its cracked up to be. All this writhing and rolling like wrestler’s on TV. I don’t like the physical all sweat and slip and slide. I like to get my jolly’s fully clothed, watching them helpless as they die.

A corpse climbed out of a grave and raised hell as he staggered around. He meant no harm or evil. He just fancied a night on the town.

How do you think they’d feel if a victim was re-born an attacker and their attacker became their victim. Would the re-born attacker hit their victim twice as hard, or remember their own pain and resolve to mend their ways?

I lure men in with my cleavage. Trap them between my thighs. Then I’ll stab and I’ll gouge and orgasm while the light drains from their eyes. So be careful you horny boys. There’s no deadlier weapon than the come on  look in a women’s eyes.

Speaking of eyes did you hear the man who tried to restore his sight by eating human eyes. bought from an undertaker. When dead eyes didn’t work he  gouged the eyes from a prostitute paid to be in his bed. Ironically he lost everything, sight included ,when the law hung him for murdering the prostitute. Obviously he didn’t see that coming.

Did you know that the sounds of waves rolling up the deserted beach, and the sun shining in your face while you stroll barefoot on the sand. Mask the approach of the person walking just behind you perfectly. No sound, no shadow. Just a heart stopping surprise.

Bloody rain made the handle slippery so instead of stabbing as I intended.. My hand slid down the handle and I damned near cut three of my own fingers off.. Didn’t as much as nick the man I was after.

Before they caught me I was once challenged to spend the night sleeping rough in the local cemetery. No problem to me. Bit like spending the night with old friends as I was responsible for helping plenty of them through the gates to their final repose.

I was never a foreign food fan. Nothing wrong with home grown meat. These past few years though my tastes have changed with the times.  Eastern European. African. Mediterranean. So many  different nationalities arriving in the UK these days.  I’m  spoiled for choice who to eat.

I hear voices all around me especially when I’m alone. Voices like squealing rats. Gnawing me to the bone

Sally in the alley pleasing sailors for ten pounds a go. Harry’s in the alley hoping to have a go. But Harry doesn’t have any money so what’s Harry to do?  Perhaps he’ll strangle Sally then she simply can’t say no.

Hold my hand sweetheart hold it good and tight. Never mind that knife blade shining in the streetlight.

Harold was as big as a barrel and couldn’t run very fast. They caught him quick, and ate him fast, and made toothpicks out of his bones.

That stomach churning moment when you realise your DIY has gone horribly wrong. Water is running down the wall. You can’t let go off the pipe and an emergency plumber on a Sunday afternoon is going to kill you financially.

What might be a one night stand to you,  could be the beginning of a life long adventure to some one else. Awkward if they don’t see it your way and won’t let go. I killed him because I love him your honour .

Love is blind so they say. Just to make sure I blindfold my latest toy before I begin to play with her.. What the eye doesn’t see the tongue can’t tell about and that’s just fine with me. .

The rain washed the rapist’s blood down the street in a dirty red stream.  Eight pints of wickedness disappearing down the drain. He wouldn’t be picking on any not so defenceless women again.

I see, you see, we all see the man. The crazy man with a gun in his hand. Will he shoot you or will he shoot me? The crazy man with a gun in his hand.

If the roles were suddenly reversed and men got pregnant, how many unwanted baby’s would there be? Just as many I imagine, because women would be busy getting their own back.

In the world of the obese the skinny girl is queen. Wrong. No skinny little bitch is going to tell a big girl what to do. Not unless she wants her skinny little self squashed flat and posted back to mummy in a cardboard box.

The cold creeping through my shoes as I watch the undertakers lower the coffin into the damp earth. Reminds me, that one day a cold dark grave will be my final resting place. Yes I know, its being so cheerful keeps me going.

It was my sixtieth birthday yesterday. I am growing increasingly aware of my own mortality. You know what? It frightens me.

When the door closes on my prison cell and its lights out. I don’t worry about being locked up. If I worry at all its about sleeping rough on the street, without the protection of these solid steel doors.

Wake up sleepyhead, I hear a tread upon the stairs. The bogeyman’s come to call. I’ve never seen him yet though I hear him in my head and I don’t like the sound of him at all.

Little Mike had a big knife and an urge to do some killing. Oh little Mike with your big knife you just walk on by. I’m too old to run that’s why I carry a gun and my fingers tight on the trigger. You pull your knife and I’ll fire my gun, and it’s me who’ll be doing the killing..

Harry and Barry did a terrible thing. They made little Susie sing. A terrible song while they  took turns doing wrong, and made her song sound like scream’s.

Its the drop for you and good riddance too. That’s what the judge said to me. I don’t care for the law and what it stands for so hang me and see if I care. But I’ll see you in hell Judge, jury and all, because your just as rotten as me.. You can hide behind your law but the devil see’s your flaws and the devil always gathers in his own.

Insanity runs in the family. You know, the family you buried who don’t stay dead and run around screaming in your head.

Is there any one there? Well I’m not going to tell you yet . I’m going to wait till you step outside. Then I’m going to grab you from behind, put my knife to your throat, and whisper softly in your ear. Yes my dear, there is someone here

If you want to unsettle someone, male or female. Just walk six steps behind them on a dark night. Then stand outside on the pavement and stare back as they look through their curtains to make sure your not there.

I am not a man of violence. I just like to kill people. There is a difference you know.

I wonder who thought up the stupid saying. Some times you have to be cruel to be kind? . I do cruel things when I can get away with it because I enjoy it. Not to show some one  how kind I am. I don’t have a kind bone in my body.

Mr Baker baked buns in his big hot baker’s oven. Suzy Baker baked a bun her boyfriend put in her teenage oven. .Mrs Baker cried for shame when the boyfriend refused to marry. So Mr Baker baked the boyfriend in his big hot baker’s oven.

A bird pecked John Kent’s eyes out and a fox bit of his toes. A stray dog chewed and ate his nose and rats made a nest in his bones. Squirming worms called his backbone their own, and maggots  freely roamed. Through the beaten, shot up corpse, the animals all call home.

I don’t understand how anybody can make a career caring for the unfortunate and. vulnerable. Not for me. I take advantage of every opportunity to abuse the vulnerable. The weaker and more disadvantaged the better as far as I am concerned.

Young children are wickedly cruel with out any effort at all. A natural talent gradually buried under a veneer of adult civility.

It’s a pleasure to take a stroll out with the wife and enjoy the warm evening air. You never know who you might meet? Dog walkers, jogger’s, an innocent youngster unaware the friendly middle-aged couple might not be as nice as they seem.

As an only child living with my single mother. I was always frightened of being alone but mum was my rock whenever I needed her. When she died in her sleep, I bought a second hand walk in freezer unit and installed it behind our little bungalow. Decorated it as mum would like and dressed it with her favourite style of soft furnishings. Now it’s lovely to relax of an evening. Wrapped up warm in my onesie and dressing gown. Mum in her favourite armchair and me on the couch.

Barmy billy Bunling kept toads in a jar. When he pulled their legs off you could hear them croaking from afar. I don’t know why he did it, or what he did with the legs, but I know he used the belly skin to sew a nice warm toady vest.

I fear what I don’t understand and I understand what I fear. I don’t understand why I did it but I understand I am going to hang for not understanding

I need protection from my reflection because I don’t like my reflection looking at me. Those eyes have seen too much and look at me with malice, shining red veined against dirty white..

Stolen moments with a loved one are all the sweeter for being a break from the norm. Of course if your loved one is a set of surgical tools, or a razor sharp boning knife. Those stolen moments need someone stolen to enjoy.

I have other people living inside my head with me. No wonder I am so wound up al the time. Every one arguing and falling out with each other. Never a moment’s peace without another voice whispering away . All of us want to be left alone, but none of us will leave each other alone.

A whisper here and there. A nasty unpleasant maybe in a fools ear. That’s all it takes to ruin a families reputation and turn the neighbourhood against them. Like clockwork toys wound up and set free, the malicious narrow minded turn on the innocent. While happy days. I’m as guilty as hell and walk around scott free.

If I cut myself in half could I do twice as much wrong?  No of course I couldn’t because I would be dead. Just as well really because one of me is doing plenty of wrong.

I reported a strange man watching the children’s playground  from the bench under the willow tree. The police soon moved him on pretty sharpish. Quite right too. I’ve been sitting on that bench for years now and I don’t want to share my view of the children at play.

At the last count I had dug forty seven graves. Am I a gravedigger? No. I work in a bank.

Blood doesn’t float my boat anymore. My tastes are changing as I grow older. I used to love the feel of sticky warm blood on my hands and in my mouth but now. Well I’m not fussed either way anymore..

On a lovely summers day what could be nicer than a picnic with friends. All that sun and fresh air always makes me happy to be alive. That and the fact that I have managed to stay two steps in front of the law where several missing persons are concerned.

I filled my children’s sand pit with snakes and sat on a garden chair with my bare feet amongst their wriggling bodies. No particular reason. I’m just funny that way.

I didn’t study Acupuncture because I wanted to become a healer. I just love sticking needles in people and getting away with it.

My local butcher always wears a clean apron and a spotless white overall when he’s serving customers. His hands give the game away though. Black with dried blood under the finger nails. The way he look at his customer’s sometimes. with a sort of hungry look in his eyes. Makes me hope it’s animal blood and nothing else under his nails.

You should never start something you don’t know how to finish. It’s all well and good summoning a demon to appear before but they don’t appear for nothing. Once there this side of the veil they don’t go back without taking something with them. Usually the traumatized soul of the idiot who summoned them.

It’s a strange thing illness. Especially when it’s supposed to be terminal and you surprisingly recover. You might be happy about it and so might your family, but somewhere amongst them. Especially if your worth a pound or two. There’ll be one with one eye on your will who wishes you gone.

I watched a man put his hand on a hot cooker ring and smiled as he screamed and cried. I could have stopped him, but he always knows best, and makes a point of doing me down. Now he can reflect as his skin catches fire, that maybe he doesn’t always know best.

I wonder where a single mother’s love goes when she allows a new partner, to hurt and injure her child, while she stand’s idly by. What depth of despair does the child fall into as they realise their own mother just doesn’t care?

An animal came to me in a nightmare and tried to bite me with its sharp snarling teeth. I woke frightened and sweating, terrified of this furry Ferret like beast. What caused this visitation? I have no idea. I only hope when I next sleep it doesn’t come snarling again.

There’s a ghost in the pantry who has ripped off his own nose. It’s the cheese you see, the smell and the longing was driving him mad.

Recently I spent nine hours inside a tube full of people tightly squeezed together. Breathing recycled air, eating indifferent food, enduring coughs, sneezes, crying babies and cramped distasteful toilet facility’s. Stiff muscled and dry eyed with foul smelling breath I finally emerged from the tube blinking in the murky daylight. I seriously hate economy class flying.

I got rid of all the family photographs lining the walls of our home. I couldn’t stand the eyes following me from room to room. We know what you did. You hurt my mum, you hurt my sister, you hurt my daughter.  I claimed it was an accident. The police believed me and I was never charged, but the photographs know better. so they had to go.

When I decided I loved myself more than my boyfriend he called me a weirdo and tried to dump me. I didn’t think asking him to dress as me when we made love. So I could see myself making love to me is weird. I managed to keep hold of him for another two weeks, while I dressed him up in my sexiest clothes and enjoyed him as me. But he’s gone blue and squishy now and the neighbours are complaining of the smell.

Is it under the bed or in my head this screaming sound I hear? Or is it my mother, having one of her turns where she scratches and bites till she bleeds?  I’ll know in the morning if she’s bleeding and bruised, or if I wake up screaming again.

Every one cursed the thunderstorm that sent torrents of rain lashing down. Privately I gave thanks to the rain gods for washing away any evidence. Next time I must wear gloves. Can’t rely on the great British weather to cover my tracks.

I pretended to faint and unfortunately knocked a man I owed money to off the edge off the platform. Straight into the path of an oncoming underground train. Oh dear, how unfortunate. Not quite the payback he envisaged but it works for me.

The rich man built a high brick wall round his house, locked the gate against the hungry, and homeless, and jealously guarded his possessions.  The hungry and the homeless resting with their backs against the rich mans wall didn’t care. Why should they? He was the one locked inside not them

I am old and my strength has faded. Too old to defend myself if anything unpleasant happens. That really frightens me as I lay in bed listening to the darkness. The knowledge that I am a helpless old man, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

If anyone notice’s me amongst the funeral congregation the family and friends of the deceased think me a work colleague, or a distant friend and instantly forget me. That’s fine with me because I’m indulging  my taste for crying women. Their tears and raw emotion turn me on no end, and I couldn’t care less about the dearly departed.

My parents told me that evil is all around and doing the right thing was hard when the Devil whispered do wrong in my ears. That frightened me the thought of the Devil and his demons leading me astray into eternal damnation.  But I beat him. Oh yes I beat the wrong whispering voices before they could lead me astray. I took daddy’s straight razor to my ears and cut them right off my head. I did my little brother too so he’d be safe. Now the devil can whisper all he likes. We don’t have ears to hear him and do wrong

My neighbour beats his wife most days. Everyone knows but they invoke the get out clause of it not being their business. Shame really because she was such a nice lady. Dead and gone now. Fell down the stairs and broke her neck. Every one knows its a lie but its none of their business.  I suppose the new woman in his life sporting a black eye is none of their business either.

I have no fear of the unknown. I let life unfold as it will. No doubt fate will intervene one way or another, but for good or ill I cannot  say. Just think I might be your friend or your worst nightmare. You’ll have to look in my bloodshot eyes and make your own mind up

Let me out of this cell, and release me from this strait jacket, and I’ll show you what I can do with my trusty axe and blade. I’ll cleanse the earth of evil if I slaughter every one alive to do it. I’ll wade in the blood of the cleansed and devote myself to my work. Just let me out of this cell and watch me unleash hell.

I don’t claim to do the lords work or the Devils either. I just like the thrill of murdering  people. If I happen to trim up a bad person amongst the innocent, then that’s all to the good. If I don’t. Well that’s too bad. Better luck next time maybe.

Dying of starvation when your surrounded by fast food outlets and supermarkets isn’t so unusual. Especially if your old and disabled. Bed ridden and dependant on a carer who doesn’t care.

Distorting the love a child should expect, into abuse a child can’t hope to endure. Creates a problem for the rest of the world. The abuser doesn’t care, and the child doesn’t know how to care. How dangerously sad is that?

Do you remember the  lawyer who got you off the rape charge after you hurt my little girl so bad. We’ll he’s not going to save you this time.  He’s tied up and gagged in the room next door.

Jack and Joe did  terrible thing’s to John.  They cut him and stuck with knives. They laughed out loud when he cried then cut him and stuck him till he died. “That was fun shouted Jack . Sure was agreed Joe.” Both boys blood smeared and eager for more. “Hey shouted Jack. What’s that shouted Joe. lets pay lonely Lilly a call. She’s home all alone and never uses her phone, so she’s just the little playmate we need.  Now Lilly was lonely but Lilly wasn’t stupid, not like the two bad boys paying her a call. Lilly spotted blood on their knives, and smiled a sweet smile. Then did a little knifing of her own.. Now Jack and Joe are lying dead on Lilly’s front lawn. John’s lying dead on his drive. There’s no moral to this story, no moral at all, except to realise. Their all crazy is all.

I never realised how many burgers you can make from the average sized man with no family, who lived alone and wouldn’t be missed. Mixed with a little minced beef, seasoned and sauced, he fed the entire scout group at the annual family barbecue.

I have a bad heart. Nothing wrong with it from a medical standpoint. Just a plain old wicked, full of evil, bad heart.

A summer camping trip, sleeping under the stars. Snugged up in a comfortable sleeping bag with a mosquito net to keep the night time nuisances out of your tent. Pity your net isn’t a little stronger to keep the night time prowlers on two legs out. Surprise, surprise, you’ve got unwanted company in your tent.

Did you know that fish caught fresh from the ocean and barbecued on the beach tastes so much better than shop bought frozen stuff. Same as fresh caught off the beach teenager. They taste so good barbecued before they stop wriggling.

I dug a big deep hole on the beach and hoped my sister would fall in. She dug two bigger deeper holes on the beach hoping I would fall in. We left those big deep empty holes when we went home for tea. Lets see in the morning if some one fell in and spent the night.

I’m a man who likes to relax with a newspaper in the shade. My wife is a beautiful woman who loves to sunbathe by the pool. Opposites attract you see. Like the chance another man is prepared to take, seeing my wife sunbathing alone. He’s in for a surprise, when she invites him to our hotel room and he finds she’s not alone. Tied up, raped, and abused by another man. He’ll never report the assault. After all, would you?

There’s something really exciting about the moment you realise you’ve found that special one. That one your certain is going to scream so sweetly.  You have to have them no matter what.

When I was a little boy an uncle showed me how to wring a chicken’s neck, then stood back while I had a go. He was impressed, seems I’ve a natural talent for neck wringing, which I’ve put to use over the years. Of course I’ve moved on from chicken neck’s to shall we say, prettier neck’s.

I rode my bicycle over the hill to find some one to kill.

For a drunken dare a couple of local idiots stole the body of a woman recently buried in the local cemetery. It didn’t end well for them when the woman’s husband took exception to his wife being ill used by complete strangers. Rising from his grave he made them very aware that the dead should be left undisturbed.

Blood running free is a joy to me and a taste I love to savour. Fresh, warm , and sweet it’s my favourite treat. Makes me tingle from my head to my feet. I love a pulsing vein under my sharp needle teeth, and guess what?  I wouldn’t mind a little taste of yours, if ever we meet.

I do love a hot curry. A real scalp peeler that sets the taste buds tingling. Bit like a trembling body in my hands. Makes me hot and oh so bothered. Love it.

I used to spend ages searching the streets for my next playmate. Not anymore. Not with all these social media opportunities on-line. Now I can stay home in the warm, and chat away to anyone gullible enough to believe I’m a friendly, single guy, ready to commit to a relationship.

Death holds no fears for me. If I’m dead nothing else matters.

I daresay I will end up in hell or whatever the modern equivalent is when my numbers finally called. Doesn’t bother me unduly. I’ve been a wicked whoreson all my life so I’m hopeful I’ve done enough to qualify for devil status.

I’m going to tear out your tongue and eat it in front of you. What do you mean, why? Because I want to, that’s why.

Your a gambling man right? Well I’m going to give you the chance to wipe your slate clean off all the money you owe me. You swallow this razor blade and your gambling debts paid. Or I can simply cut your throat with the same blade if you don’t fancy your chances.

What was it you said? Oh yes. Every man should have a wife. Preferably some one else’s. Well I don’t see it that way myself. That’s why your soaked in petrol and I’m going to set you on fire. You didn’t have some one else’s wife, you had mine. That really pisses me off.

My crazy cousin tried to skin a guard dog alive. As I write the doctors are trying to work out how to stitch his face back together again.

A prison cell holding two people who grow to hate each other. A loveless marriage holding a couple who grow to hate each other. Its a race against time who gets released, or divorced first. Before one kills the other.

A nice little girl was bullied at school. A nice little boy  didn’t like the nice  little girl being bullied. A nasty little girl fell headfirst into a deep lake while she was playing out.. A nice little boy told the police he tried to pull her out, but she kept on slipping under.  A sadness to be sure but at least a nice little girl isn’t being bullied anymore.

I threw my dead mother off a cliff and watched her bounce all the way down. It was her final wish to feed the fish and with a splash she the waves took her under. Why feed the fish? Well it was her favourite dish and she wanted to give the fish a good meal in return.

The stone urn held the jumbled up ashes of people long dead and sat on the mantelpiece above the  strange mans fireplace. Not family, or any one close. Just people who had a cremation of sorts in the fire pit in the strange mans  back garden.

Hells bells and buckets of blood. The mad eyed pirate’s roared. String them up and cut their throats, and dance for the devil’s delight. Were damned if we do, and damned if we don’t, so we may as well have a good time. So string them up me hearties, and delight the devil tonight.

I saw a dead rat lying in the street torn apart by a couple of pet cats. They wore collars with little bells and had long whiskers and shiny fur. I bet there owners love them and pamper their furry pets. Lets hope both cats lick the rat blood of their claws, and dainty little paws. Before they settle  on the knee’s of  owner’s who don’t know where they’ve been.

Make up covers bruises, but not the pain inside. Sunglasses disguise a black eye, but not the pain inside. No make up or accessories take the pain away. The pain of knowing you can’t get away. It’s always going to be this way.

After years in prison mopping the tiled floor of the medical wing . I’m an expert in stain removal using basic equipment. Pity I wasn’t so skilled when I tore up my in-laws. Blood smeared everywhere when I tried to clean up. So much forensic evidence left behind I may as well have invited the Judge and jury along for the ride.

We had a new Halloween attraction in town. The dead head traffic light. Three heads wired up to glow red, amber, and green in the appropriate sequence. It was only when the red head caught fire that the police realised they were real heads. Any one know where the bodies are? No. Me neither but it was a good show while it lasted.

They don’t incarcerate the insane in asylums anymore. Instead the sanity challenged are cared for in the community. That’s community as in you. and me, and the giggling man living in the bus stop. Who will happily eat your children.

I never use a toilet. Theirs things that live in the water you see . Waiting to climb up your bum. Frightens me so much these days, my brown eye’s sealed its self shut.

My sisters fight all the time. Spiteful to the core the pair of them. Don’t get between them mind. They can hurt each other and they  often do. But if you lay a hand on one. The other will like as not cut your throat for you.

Friends are the family you wish you had. Well be  careful what you wish for, because sometimes friendships turn bad. Then its tears before bed time when a friend reveals a sticky, sordid secret, you wish you never had.

A friend likes casual sex with strangers. Good idea. Lets just hope their not all rotten with Syphilis or Gonorrhoea. Not that their going to tell you. That’s just their little secret their not sharing.

A man abused a  boy he should have cared for and made his childhood a living hell. That man’s old now and doesn’t see too well, but he senses his new carer seems familiar somehow.

In my experience, the best way to frighten someone is to immobilize them in such a way, that movement causes excruciating pain. You can try it for yourself if you don’t believe me. Bash a hole through a tin can with a screw driver then nail the can tight to a fence post. Now shove your little finger in the hole. Go on, push, get your finger in there as far as you can get it. Now wait a few minutes for your fingertip to swell up as the blood supply is restricted . Now try to pull it out while the jagged edges of the hole cut into the swollen flesh. You can’t can you, and guess what? If you were stupid enough to try this alone your going to be stuck to that fencepost till some one cuts the can free. How painful is that going to be? write back and tell me if you ever get free.

Slip slap slide. I don’t care if you die. Slip slap slide. Feel my knife blade in your eye. Slip slap slide. I don’t care if you die.

Silly Billy and dumb dumb Dave spent the whole day digging  a hole. When the hole was dug they wrapped Willy short brains in a rug, and buried him way down deep. Later that night when they couldn’t sleep, and worried about what they did. Silly Billy and dumb dumb Dave dug him up again. They found the rug rolled up tight but Dave short brains was no where in sight. Just a rustling in the dark, and a screaming shadow with a shovel swinging in his hands.

I don’t know but I’ve been told, a dead woman’s kiss is mighty cold. Could be true or could be false, but if I ever kiss a corpse I’ll soon find out.

Were disappointed with your behaviour. How many times did I hear that when I was growing up. The parental frown of disapproval given voice in that damning expression. Were disappointed. All hope of praise crushed in my schoolboy breast. Belittled in my teenage aspirations, and undermined in my adult years. Of course my parents where disappointed when I didn’t achieve a first in my chemistry degree. I wonder how they felt when they died?. I didn’t get a first but I did well enough to know which poison’s leave no trace.

My sister and mother never argued. They had very heated, and sometimes prolonged.  Mother daughter bonding session’s. Sounds like an argument but it isn’t. Unfortunately the kitchen knife  didn’t make this subtle distinction when my sister lost it completely, and stabbed our mother eleven times.

No matter how hard I work I only live hand to mouth. Pressure, pressure, pressure. Always under pressure. Scrimp and save and scrimp some more till I stretched myself so thin I couldn’t stretch no more. Who an I? I’m Mr Dead inside. Overworked, underpaid, and sick of living this unchangeable, never ending way.

I’m Black heart Jake.. Wanted in every state, for murder’s and mayhem of all kinds. Whose this slithering by my side? Don’t pay him no mind. He’s just my rattling, poison snake.

Ghost’s only come out at night. Really? I don’t think so. I see plenty of empty eyed wandering souls going to work every morning. Sad, cold, lonely people, existing in a grey world of disappointment’s. They look alive but vitality and enthusiasm have long since dried up and withered on their vine. There ghost’s all right. Only they don’t realise the soul inside has died.

Red sky at night shepherds delight. Red sky in the morning shepherds warning. Red sky full of choking smoke, your house is on fire.

The cold nights of autumn. Just right to raise the damned from their tormented rest. What’s that. Why Autumn? Well I want them up from their graves to suffer as they do my evil bidding. Not to loaf about enjoying a summer’s afternoon in the garden They are the damned after all. You know eternal suffering and all that.

The little girl, tortured and killed for fun by her father was an innocent soul. The prisoner who tore into the father while the prison guards back was turned was not. He was evil and cold, and ended the fathers life with a prison made knife. I often wonder if an innocent angel in heaven heard him screaming? Probably not.

Do you hear the children crying out in fright. The pervert mans amongst them creeping in the night. They don’t have any parents and they all live in a home. Its not a nice place to be when the perverts on the roam./

I dig holes in the grass, the sand, and the soil. I dig holes with a shovel sometimes my bare hands. Some are bigger than others and some go way down deep. It all depends on the size of the innocent I’ve just put to sleep.

Colin and Lucy made love in the park, on a blanket of October leaves. When springtime came they did it again under a blanket of fresh green leaves. Somewhere in between they went back again, but this time not as lovers. Colin strangled unfaithful Lucy then killed himself while summer shone through the leaves.

Hell and all its angels couldn’t match this lot. This lot of jealous, spiteful, children, and a nagging hag of a wife. Mind she says I’m no better, a drunk, a fool, and a fraud. We should all do something about it. Try and mend our ways. But I guess we’ll carry on this way. Disappointed with all our days.

Terrified of confining dark space’s I didn’t do well underground.. I screamed and raved, and tore at the confines of the grave with fingers broken and bleeding. Yet no one came to my aid, no one called for a spade to dig me up and check if I was breathing. The doctors said dead, the post mortem read dead, and the undertaker is sure I am dead. So if all say I am dead. What’s going on in my head? Because my head is convinced I’m still breathing.

Polly deep pockets borrowed a gun from her brother and shot her horrid parents dead. Bang, bang. Bang, bang. Then she thought she’d get in trouble if her brother told another so she shot him too. Bang, bang,dead. Then instinct said you’d better run, but she thought, hold on.. I’ll hide the gun. so she put it in her deepest pocket, and calmly went to bed

Yes all our inmates are accounted for. Twenty cells, twenty occupants. everyone where they should be. That’s ok, no problem. Good evening warden. See you and your lovely wife and daughter once I’ve made it over the wall. Shall we say ten pm for a nice little catch up to discuss my ongoing tendencies for extreme violence. Good. See you then.

I hate the winter cold. That’s why I light fires everywhere to keep warm. I don’t light fires in the summer time when I’m already nice and warm. I just light them in the winter time. To keep me nice and warm.

The frost covered my car and made it look like a sleeping ice giant. Crouching on my driveway. The frost covered the man over the road, who’d had a heart attack just as he arrived home. He looked like a frosty scarecrow frozen to his driveway.

When your dead you have no worries. Me. I have plenty of worries. Doesn’t seem right somehow. Maybe I should just give up and die. Then I’d have no worries.

A troubled man of limited intelligence tried to cleanse himself of all sin.. He set himself on fire and jumped off the bridge spanning the river in town. His strange logic being the flames would burn away the sin, and the river would wash him clean of all its impurities. I have no idea if it worked, and neither has he. He died of his injuries before he could find out.

Tempted by his lustful desire’s for another mans wife a friend of mine moved his entire family two hundred miles away and set up home far from his temptation.  His wife didn’t mind. She’d slept with just about every man in town so pastures new would do her just fine.

I never realised you were ill until you tried to eat your own toes to stop your feet taking you where you didn’t want to go.

The local soup kitchen is always full of desperate people willing to trade up from watery soup to as much as they can eat off the buffet. Very useful for a man with a couple of little jobs he needs doing. Holes to dig mainly. Very deep holes in out of the way locations, well away from prying eyes.

Its the frenzied panic in their eyes that really turns me on.  When their blood runs red and warm over their goose bumped skin, and they can see their pain. All the surety’s of life come crashing down. I’m cutting you baby, and boy  it feel’s so good.

The lollypop lady stands in the middle of the road and watches the little ones cross safely over. The lollypop lady is a nice lady.. Hello Lollypop lady the smiling children all say. Hello children she says smiling back.. Thinking how nice it would be if she could steal the little red haired boy and make him a playmate of her own.

Its  hell on earth living with my nagging wife and screaming kids. Never enough of anything to make a difference. Always coming up short. Disappointing and intensely frustrating. I hate it. I hate it all but I haven’t got the brains or the balls to do anything about it. That’s the worst of it. I can’t do a damn thing about it.

I hate her she’s a nasty mouthed cow. I hope her oh so sexy boyfriend dumps her. . I hope she  cries till her eyes drop out. I hope her fat backside swells up and swallows her skinny little bikini body. I hope everything horrible in the world happens to her. Ok. No problem. I’ll get on that right away. There’s just the small matter of your soul in payment for my services.

I never told you but I had a long term affair with your wife. We used to do it in your bed as well. Personally I didn’t enjoyed that side of things. She’s an ugly bag your missus. I did it to spite you not enjoy her. You always side lined me for promotion and ruined my career. Now your lying there in that hospital bed. You’ll be dead within the hour so I just wanted you to know how much  I am enjoying your pain.

The lonely little boy with the cigarette lighter didn’t mean to set the school on fire. Attention seeking the experts said. Twelve dead and half the school destroyed, got him all the attention any lonely boy could want.

Lazy Masie couldn’t be bothered to sit at the table and eat. So she laid on her belly watching the telly while her body grew thin and weak. I hear she wasted away day by day till her rib bones stuck out of her belly. Still she watched  telly lying on her empty belly, and that’s where they found her last week. A skeleton of bone dying alone, who couldn’t be bothered to eat.

I love a night at the fair. The rides, the noise’s and smells. The boys spinning the cars on the waltzers.   Scream if you want to go faster girls. I love that saying. I wish I had a waltzer of my own. I’d make the girls scream. I’d give them the ride of their lives. The last one they ever had before I really made them scream.

Honky the donkey had his head chopped. Just for the thrill of the kill. I hope who ever did this ends up in donkey heaven. So Honky can kick him to hell.

I love dogs.. I have ten of them on my farm. Rescue dogs from the dog fighting circuit. I nursed them back to health and made them strong. How strong. Well it took exactly six minutes for the man who organises the local dog fighting circuit to be torn apart. Those dogs don’t forget who hurt them. I just invited him over to see if they’d be any good for fighting again. They did the rest.

I don’t know where the courier company send wrongly addressed parcels that they can’t deliver. All I know is that by now it must stink to high heaven. In sixteen years I have dismembered and posted away forty two bodies of various shapes and sizes. By my reckoning that’s about four tonnes of decomposing humanity . Mouldering away possibly somewhere near you.

Please call again and check out our menu for new additions to our Horror D’oeuvres platter, added every week.