Horror d’oeuvres

Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen

Can I tempt you to whet your appetite with a little something from the Horror d’oeuvres platter?  Sweet and sticky perhaps, or would you prefer something raw and wriggling to tickle the taste buds as it slips across the lips. What ever your preference feel free to dip into our distasteful little mouthfuls. Nothing you fancy at the moment?  No worries, the selection platter is updated every week so be sure to call back and check out our  newest additions.

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My wife went crazy. Screaming and crying like a maniac. She slapped me and raked me with her nails. I didn’t mean to upset her or make her cry. But its that time of the month again, and there’s a crazy look in her eyes.

There’s a demon living in my wardrobe amongst my suits and ties. It’s happy trying on my shirts and shoes. Waiting for me to die. A stupid error of judgement on my part summoning it with a one way spell. Now it’s living in my wardrobe till it drags me off to hell.

I hear laughter in my dreams when ever my emotions scream.

 

When the worlds going crazy round you why not join in? No sense in missing out on all the fun.

The devil inside me is a fickle beast. Some days tormenting me. Other days urging me to torment the ones I love. Screaming while I cry as another part of my emotions die.

I always carry a Swiss army knife in my pocket. You never know when all those tools might come in handy. Same as I carry  parcel tape, nylon rope, surgical gloves and a hammer in my back pack.

Fat Charlie ate who ever was put in front of him. How very convenient.

My neighbour got drunk and set himself on fire. Hell of a smell I can tell you. I’ve never fancied roast pork since. Put me right off.

What with all this heavy rain, and now flooding in the area. Its made burying bodies impossible. Don’t want any incriminating evidence floating up the high street.

Been twelve years now since I drowned my wife beating son in law and sank his corpse in the lake. Does my daughter miss him? I doubt that. She helped me row the boat out to the deepest part and heave him over the side.

New year, new me. I think not. Why would I want to disown the work of a lifetime when I am so close to getting my hundred up on the scoreboard. Of course I can’t throw a party to celebrate, but believe me. I will be raising my knife in salute to an imaginary cheering crowd  when my hundredth victim dies.

Terrified, vibrating like a tuning fork, ears throbbing, blood pressure shooting skywards. The masked figure looming over me, stainless steel glinting, vinyl smells, bowels bubbling like lava. God I hate the bloody dentist.

God loves a tryer, that’s what my mother said. Well god should be head over heels with me. I’ve been trying to do away with the wife for years.

A couple of drinks, bit of smooth chat and off we go to my place. Except we don’t go to my place. Much easier to throw you in the river once I’ve cut you if we park down by the old power station.

Well that’s 2015 nearly over. Another year closer the grave for all of us has slipped away. Just the new years party’s and celebrations to enjoy after the rigours of Christmas and the enforced enjoyment of your nearest and possibly not your dearest.  Well lets tempt the palate for the new year with this final 2015 update to the Horror D’oeuvres platter. Enjoy everyone. .

And now Ladies and Gentlemen a carol sung to the tune of the nursery rhyme. Four and twenty Blackbirds baked in a pie. To round off our Christmas Horror D’oeuvres. All together now!!!!!

Sing a song of Christmas there’s presents I must buy.

 Sing a song of Christmas someone has to die.

I need lots of money, and I don’t have a job.

 So I found a rich old man, someone I can rob.

  Sing a song of Christmas a sharp knife at his throat.

 Sing a song of Christmas on his own blood he will choke.

I’ll have lots of money, oh how my kids will sing.

We all love you mummy for buying us nice things.

Sing a song of Christmas the old man’s long since dead.

 Sing a song of Christmas the police know what I did.

 There’s no use me pretending, they’ve got me bang to rights.

 Now my necks for hanging and my kids won’t have a mum.

Sing a song of Christmas, good cheer to one and all.

 Sing a song of Christmas when your backs against the wall.

 You’ll all wish for money, and presents under the tree.

But swinging from the gallows, is all that’s left of me.

Merry Christmas everyone. Unless you have something unpleasant in mind.

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My neighbour  covered his house in a fantastic display of Christmas lights and lit up the heavens for miles around. Great idea, keeps people’s attention away from my house where I don’t want them paying attention to what’s going on.

I like to entertain at Christmas time. Friends round for drinks and Christmas lunch. Fills the house with laughter and festive good cheer. Of course, it’s always quite when they’ve gone home. Apart from the one drugged and tied up in the cupboard under the stairs that is. Let’s just call him a little present to myself to enjoy later.

Must be a strange thing, wrapping presents for a wife you no longer love or a husband who you suspect has been unfaithful.

Unseasonably warm this winter. Loads of people out and about. They probably prefer Christmas shopping and visiting friends than being indoors with family they detest.

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